Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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