There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
