My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
