I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
