I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
