I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
