I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
