i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
