Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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