You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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