we have officially lost it.
id be glad to
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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