i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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