just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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