oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
as a side note pls kill me
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