Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
