Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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