I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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