dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
