I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my vag is so smooth its legendary
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
