forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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