Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
