You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
