what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
