my vag is so smooth its legendary
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
