i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I will pee on everything he values.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
