She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Vodka?
Forever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
