I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
