Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
