god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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