Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
