I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
