I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
