I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
