my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
