i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
