You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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