I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
