I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
