remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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