Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
