Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
