if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
