Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
