being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
