Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
