We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
