I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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