I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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