How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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