after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
